Sunday, July 27, 2008
Linger
How do suicidal thoughts come about? While every mother's son is bestowed with one life, be it long or short, sometimes it would seem justified to have Armageddon take place at that very moment to rip everyone off the right to live (if I decide not to exist anymore). Depression is a tool so powerful that it will momentarily brainwash rationality off a mind. Should I one day develop such thoughts, I will gather every last bit of my rationality and tell myself, "I must spend and utilise every single cent left in my savings before I succumb to that hellish idea. " I will indulge in the most lavish spending, shop with extravagance, and dine in luxurious places that serve the finest delicacies. When the last cent has been expanded, then it would be time to execute the mission, but only if I do not hesitate lingering in this world anymore longer after tasting the finest in life. If I should decide that this bloody world is still worth lingering, I would already have bought myself a second life.
Monday, June 16, 2008
Slacker's Blues
3 years ago, I started on a job that can put me through my wishes to graduate with a degree.
But after it began, I hoped for the working cum studying days to be gone as each day passed by with weariness, tilting the scale of a balanced life.
Alas, exams are near. I had counted down for nearly a year to the faithful day I tendered my resignation letter.
2 months ago, I commence a full swing revision. A pure student - nothing could be better.
But after it began, I hoped for the stressful days of memorising texts that I could not absorb to be over.
Alas, exams are over. I finally can put aside all work and books.
12 days ago, I focused on fully immersing myself in the joy of true blue slacker.
But after it began, it turned out that the days I most looked forward to are the worse period to pass. It would be better if I have spare cash. No news for job applications. Days sped as I whacked dramas night after night. Euro 2008 night after night. And slept days after days. I used to long for the days I can resume my RPG games on my PS2. Now that I am free to do so, I steer clear of them, because for the state I am in now, gaming would only subconsciously convince me that their world is the real world.
Next I hope for the days that I get employed again.
Solution always creates a new problem. Parts and parcels of life? I say life is a vicious cycle.
Quote from Sumiko Tan - Straits Times
When a dream comes true, you don't always get the happiness you thought would come with it; Happiness is not something you can feel every moment of the day; Happiness comes in small doses, so just be grateful for that; It's pointless to wish for a Big Happiness because it won't happen; Perhaps happiness is overrated.
But after it began, I hoped for the working cum studying days to be gone as each day passed by with weariness, tilting the scale of a balanced life.
Alas, exams are near. I had counted down for nearly a year to the faithful day I tendered my resignation letter.
2 months ago, I commence a full swing revision. A pure student - nothing could be better.
But after it began, I hoped for the stressful days of memorising texts that I could not absorb to be over.
Alas, exams are over. I finally can put aside all work and books.
12 days ago, I focused on fully immersing myself in the joy of true blue slacker.
But after it began, it turned out that the days I most looked forward to are the worse period to pass. It would be better if I have spare cash. No news for job applications. Days sped as I whacked dramas night after night. Euro 2008 night after night. And slept days after days. I used to long for the days I can resume my RPG games on my PS2. Now that I am free to do so, I steer clear of them, because for the state I am in now, gaming would only subconsciously convince me that their world is the real world.
Next I hope for the days that I get employed again.
Solution always creates a new problem. Parts and parcels of life? I say life is a vicious cycle.
Quote from Sumiko Tan - Straits Times
When a dream comes true, you don't always get the happiness you thought would come with it; Happiness is not something you can feel every moment of the day; Happiness comes in small doses, so just be grateful for that; It's pointless to wish for a Big Happiness because it won't happen; Perhaps happiness is overrated.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Vindicated
The time bomb went ticking away the moment I clicked connect. The grumpy cpu had gathered a substantial amount of horsepower. The horses always appeared with a red exclaimation and then introduced themselves as trojans. Within moments all went black, soon to be followed up with varieties of vulgarities and hand signals each time it happened. It was not before this new set of computer sits before me that the 2.5 years of fustrations have finally come to a halt. The time bomb was a strong deterence for me to even log on to clear my emails. So I turned to clearing my mails from the letterbox. The May issue of Courts promotion brochure had laid inside for almost a month. The unintented act of browsing through the catalogue soon led me to the nearest Courts store, and for being unemployed, this only means I need to clear my IPPT with a Gold next month for the subsidy.
Delirious with the widened screen and the unfamiliar Vista format, I spent hours clicking, and as I opened my "favourites" folder, dust blew in my face and there I saw the mouldy words buried under algaes, "AMBiVALEncE in A LABYRinTH". There I read the past events of the boy whose frequencies I could not synchronise with at times. The 2 years gap has been vindicated, I thought.
In the past I strived to be a leader of life. But come to think of it, I am being unconsiously led by life instead. In the past the paths were clear ahead, even though distant, they ended with a stream of hopeful beams. However the paths seemed to take on winding ways with hardly any direction signs.
I browsed a few other blogs I used to visit years back. Most of them are inactive while some are still well maintained, as ever. Impressed with how some friends are displaying their days with pride, the feeling curve took a downturn to reach a point of melancholy.
I should stop here, to take a look at my surroundings.
Yes, my accounting notes are near me. There is a paper in 4 more days.
Delirious with the widened screen and the unfamiliar Vista format, I spent hours clicking, and as I opened my "favourites" folder, dust blew in my face and there I saw the mouldy words buried under algaes, "AMBiVALEncE in A LABYRinTH". There I read the past events of the boy whose frequencies I could not synchronise with at times. The 2 years gap has been vindicated, I thought.
In the past I strived to be a leader of life. But come to think of it, I am being unconsiously led by life instead. In the past the paths were clear ahead, even though distant, they ended with a stream of hopeful beams. However the paths seemed to take on winding ways with hardly any direction signs.
I browsed a few other blogs I used to visit years back. Most of them are inactive while some are still well maintained, as ever. Impressed with how some friends are displaying their days with pride, the feeling curve took a downturn to reach a point of melancholy.
I should stop here, to take a look at my surroundings.
Yes, my accounting notes are near me. There is a paper in 4 more days.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Choked
At least for the past 3 years, I recalled that my birthday wishes were identical. I foresee that I would have to wish the same wish for another decade or so. Anyway making wishes is just but a routine when a lit cake is presented to your face, and they never will come true by laws of nature, whether or not the content is leaked out to a second party. In the end it's still up to the individual to make it come true.
Consecutively, I have been receiving Marlboro lights as a gift since last year. And typically, they were not decorated with rotten throats or an alienated baby on the box. Last year was one pack from Ivan, this year was 3 packs from Lam, Indonesian and Malaysian respectively (not of the person).
School term has commenced, a full time student finally, who can enjoy student rates on weekday lunches. Work at Compass Point carries on, a full time salesman enjoying worker's welfare. There are a few links within the multi-tasking. I am able to pay fees via interest free instalment scheme, and able to claim from company textbook purchases required by school under the welfare system.
Sounds good, but
I feel fucking suffocated.
Consecutively, I have been receiving Marlboro lights as a gift since last year. And typically, they were not decorated with rotten throats or an alienated baby on the box. Last year was one pack from Ivan, this year was 3 packs from Lam, Indonesian and Malaysian respectively (not of the person).
School term has commenced, a full time student finally, who can enjoy student rates on weekday lunches. Work at Compass Point carries on, a full time salesman enjoying worker's welfare. There are a few links within the multi-tasking. I am able to pay fees via interest free instalment scheme, and able to claim from company textbook purchases required by school under the welfare system.
Sounds good, but
I feel fucking suffocated.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
The Constant Factor
I've just watched The Truman Show.
Today is one rare early day for me.
My most recent 2.4km timing: 1 year older = 1 minute slower
I missed my mum's birthday, mother's day and father's day this year, without a wish.
I have not drawn for a year.
I talk to strangers almost everyday.
I'm starting school full time come August.
But I can't bid for my time table cuz I logged in late to see no slots left available. I'm still full time at work, but transferred out of Paragon.
Current location: Compass Point
I visited the dentist for the first time since after army 2 years back.
My last KTV was 3 weeks ago.
The last time I can sing like myself was 2 months back. Throat doesn't seem to recover fully.
My last soccer game was a month ago. It used to be daily.
My last match with Messina Greats was 3 months ago. It is a weekly commitment.
I spent majority of my active time talking to strangers.
At work, I am in the process of self discovery, and at the same time, losing my usual self.
I discover more flaws than pros.
I am still with me, just that I've lost my passions to life.
It was an unpleasant change.
Change is required to fuel the progress of life. The fuel burns an element called passion in the natural reaction. As a result, life goes on.
Today is one rare early day for me.
My most recent 2.4km timing: 1 year older = 1 minute slower
I missed my mum's birthday, mother's day and father's day this year, without a wish.
I have not drawn for a year.
I talk to strangers almost everyday.
I'm starting school full time come August.
But I can't bid for my time table cuz I logged in late to see no slots left available. I'm still full time at work, but transferred out of Paragon.
Current location: Compass Point
I visited the dentist for the first time since after army 2 years back.
My last KTV was 3 weeks ago.
The last time I can sing like myself was 2 months back. Throat doesn't seem to recover fully.
My last soccer game was a month ago. It used to be daily.
My last match with Messina Greats was 3 months ago. It is a weekly commitment.
I spent majority of my active time talking to strangers.
At work, I am in the process of self discovery, and at the same time, losing my usual self.
I discover more flaws than pros.
I am still with me, just that I've lost my passions to life.
It was an unpleasant change.
Change is required to fuel the progress of life. The fuel burns an element called passion in the natural reaction. As a result, life goes on.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Need For Speed
At the sight of flashing lights one street away, I buckled up as though an office worker would maximise his page of excel to hide the minesweeper when boss came out of his office. Uncle cabby says, "road block again. Let's make a turn before the junction," and there he made a professional left negotiation to embark on the detour.
And cabby carried on with his cab talk, the trade when customers pay to entertain his driver. As I sat back calmly to immerse in the perfect match of indian-filled accent with jasmine aroma and hindu goddess pictures, I sensed an involuntary gradual rise in the rate of my heart beat. One not out of fear or panic, but that of adrenaline rush. Turning my attention to outside the window, I witness that the street lamps were already racing towards where we came from.
As we cruise through the empty yellow-lit highway, the imagined silence outside the car revealed the set in of the late night - so cool so relax. However, my heart beat never attempt to synchronise with ambience.
"One-forty", cabby blurps out suddenly, with a sense of cheeky pinch.
I rolled my eyes to the clock installed above the gearbox. "Uncle, now already 2plus lo."
He was silent for a moment, and he went, "one-sixty!" Now, with an obvious tone to show off.
My eyeballs rolled further to the right. The bigger and brimming clock was 4 o' clock - 5 minutes before the markings on the clock come to a blank. I awed a silent "woah" to myself, finally satisfied with the answer to the unexplained anxiety.
The retired Malaysian racer took less than 10 minutes to race me home from Ang Mo Kio to Woodlands.
And cabby carried on with his cab talk, the trade when customers pay to entertain his driver. As I sat back calmly to immerse in the perfect match of indian-filled accent with jasmine aroma and hindu goddess pictures, I sensed an involuntary gradual rise in the rate of my heart beat. One not out of fear or panic, but that of adrenaline rush. Turning my attention to outside the window, I witness that the street lamps were already racing towards where we came from.
As we cruise through the empty yellow-lit highway, the imagined silence outside the car revealed the set in of the late night - so cool so relax. However, my heart beat never attempt to synchronise with ambience.
"One-forty", cabby blurps out suddenly, with a sense of cheeky pinch.
I rolled my eyes to the clock installed above the gearbox. "Uncle, now already 2plus lo."
He was silent for a moment, and he went, "one-sixty!" Now, with an obvious tone to show off.
My eyeballs rolled further to the right. The bigger and brimming clock was 4 o' clock - 5 minutes before the markings on the clock come to a blank. I awed a silent "woah" to myself, finally satisfied with the answer to the unexplained anxiety.
The retired Malaysian racer took less than 10 minutes to race me home from Ang Mo Kio to Woodlands.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Bed
Been on my bed for 18 hours.
While weeks ago i begged for boredom to bring me from away from lifeless work life, now on a rainy off day, I am corroding in the merciless hands of boredom.
The downpour, so soothing it cools the usually stuffy room, yet collabrated with it in the mission to dampen the soul named mood.
The melodious David Tao conveyed his concern over the speaker, but it did nothing more than to aggravate.
From dim daylight when shadow traces of raindrops reflects on my newly painted red wall, til evening do I attempt to defeat it by calling for companies.
It appeared the rest of the world is not bothered by it.
Shall I return to bed?
While weeks ago i begged for boredom to bring me from away from lifeless work life, now on a rainy off day, I am corroding in the merciless hands of boredom.
The downpour, so soothing it cools the usually stuffy room, yet collabrated with it in the mission to dampen the soul named mood.
The melodious David Tao conveyed his concern over the speaker, but it did nothing more than to aggravate.
From dim daylight when shadow traces of raindrops reflects on my newly painted red wall, til evening do I attempt to defeat it by calling for companies.
It appeared the rest of the world is not bothered by it.
Shall I return to bed?
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