Halved

An struggling attempt, other than coffee and ciggies, to keep myself awake in the office.

I started with the eyes, pretty much to convey the weariness at that very moment. By the time the face was done, I have brought my out of the dreamy wonderland, into my current world of unsettled callings.

Where am I now? I see everyone else progressing. Meaningless job scope in the office stirred up the fustration of a talent, undermined. The job hunt is still on. I prostrated to the fact that studies is delayed. I have been uptight about the discouraging turnout of events. Dad is turning 50, and committed hard labours of more than 12 hours each day. It pains to see the weary in him. The retire mindset should, by right, be setting in at this time. Instead, he is not paid of a 3K wage by a former employee, who replied in an SMS: "I no money to pay you. Do me a favour, my kids are hungry. Need to feed them."

Fuck him and his kids.

Drawing down the neck, the chest and biceps are toned. Since a longed revisit to the gym last week, I constantly reminded myself not to bathe straight after I reached home. A daily weights training regime awaits my return. Definition in the body acted as the potential strength to brave through the uncertainties.

Or perhaps otherwise, a pretty desperate attempt to replace over wealth with a well-built body. I am convinced that a man without penny have no right over another lady for he will have little or no ability to bring her happiness in the long run. Even flings can be expensive. I do not refer woman to be materialistic or practical. A capable yet plain-looking man emits a charisma and confidence stronger than a brainless hunk. It is thus justified for a woman to measure man by his penny rather than his penis.

To portray a man still fiddling around in an unsettled state of mind, I halved him. Incomplete. He has a rough idea of what he wants and what he wants to achieve, but uncertainties ahead blurred the vision. Only half of him is visible. Bounded by various considerations, he dare not show his hand to what he have interest in. He walks the financially paved route, leaving interests as hobbies.

Reaching the lower body, I left him undressed. In his sub-conscious state of mind, there hides nothing. He demands the naked truth and condemns the lies.

I finished the censored piece of sketch to see the halved man in deep thoughts. A simple sketch that, yet, contains distorted emotions which some may sound nonsensical or unlogical.

I carried on to pen a halved female version mirroring the man. But the breast had gone terribly out of shape and proportion. So I folded the woman away. This can only mean I have never seen a real naked woman's body to gauge the proportions of the female's anatomy.

Any posers for me?

Tyrant

7 of us were in Jason's Toyota. 3 ladies cramped to one side, and 2 gentlemen, one on top of the other's lap were at the back seats allocated for three. Sitting atop Daniar's numbed thighs, my left side of my face sticked to the ceiling of the roof. And as we reminisced on, we arrived at Punggol. The buoyant mood was taken over by an air of solemness soon after we relieve ourselves off the human sandwiching. Above the brightly lit pavillion, we were greeted by a majestic red banner hung high in the sky between two apartment blocks, and enhanced with countless mini light bulbs, it beamed with patriotism - "Happy 40th Birthday Singapore"... ... ...

**** **** ****

It was recess time and rowdy boys had already packed the queue at the Muslim stall. But it never bothered the tyrant. He casually made his way to the front of the queue for his Nasi Lemak. Unsatisfied with a plate, next up was a daily dosage of drumstick from the Chinese vegie rice stall. He terrorised Mayflower Secondary School - teacher and students - with a boarish reputation. But we all like him for the way he is.

I got to know him when I joined the (back then) prestigious basketball club. From among the 13 year old kids, he effortlessly outshone most of the rest with his infamous left handed lay-up and the baseline shots. Naturally he became our power forward of the 'C' division MFSS basketball school team. I used to detest the way he abused his boarish size and strength in the games while I was a malnourished shortie. Although we did not even make it out of the Zone to the Nationals, I recognised his flair.

He probably enjoyed disturbing girls with dirty jokes, and he exercised bullying as part of schooling routines. His ill temper easily provoked brawls, especially with good friends. The more infamous one was probably his fight with Qinlong in the midst of a soccer game. It later became a classic joke: everyone grabbed on to the fiery him, while Qinlong was free to advance. The tyrant suffered quite some scratches.

Once he had a food fight with his buddy Guoan over the dining table. It triggered off with a dispute over a chicken wing (if I don't recall wrongly), before soon nuggets and rice flew across and back between them.

He knew exactly the means to get his hands on the things he wanted (less women). We were happily sipping away the bak kut teh, when he felt the urge to gulp it all down his throat. Another classic act of his: ka~~pui... The extra ingredient in the soup make the bowl his property, as we watched in disgust.

Also a symbol of vice, he was smoking while we were chatting at the void deck. Accompanying the puff were endless spitting on the floor. As one gained from the seeds one sows, he slipped and fell over the puddle he spitted.

4 years flew in a glance, but we made it a point to be back every Saturday for soccer. The tyrant, whose forte was basketball, chose to follow the trend with us for soccer. It was clear that his left leg ain't half as good as his left hand. Nevertheless, he was one of us. One day he came back, decorated. God of death in its hooded robe, maliciously holding a spear with curved blade at its tip. A full moon (that looked like egg yolk, as Melvin described) set above it. A devil armed with distinct fangs guarded his arm. He is also infamous for his talented ability as a "dua kang". A trademark of vice, indeed. That's the man we know him as.

Ever since the school campus was teared down one year ago, our team challenged the field instead of our usual court games. This evolution did not bring him along with us. We hardly met him since the school was teared down for reconstruction. He became a topic in times of reminiscence. The few times that we saw him were mostly coincidences on the streets. I last saw him a few months back at Ang Mo Kio S-11 while having supper. We engaged in a brief catch-up. He was serving in the Civil Defence. That was my last conversation with him.

**** **** ****

13 July 2005, I was awakened at 7am. As per daily routine, I was to snooze it every 10 minutes, for 45 minutes, until I realise that I would be late for work if I was to brush my teeth. This particular morning there were two SMS, both received at 3am. One was from Wujie, while the other was an unknown number. I read the unknown SMS. Instead of snoozing, I stared into the ceiling for the next 45 minutes. Baoyu saw the SMS at 3am. She went to wake her dad to talk. She could not sleep. Guizhong and Qinlong did not get back to sleep, as they would usually do, after reading the SMS. Kenneth called me while I am on my way to work. Jason had to reply to my SMS, in disbelief, to confirm that it was no plank. Guoan was still in South Africa.

**** **** ****

"Happy 40th Birthday Singapore", the banner swayed synchronised with the breeze. Underneath the red and bright banner, gathered a mob mostly attired in black or white tops. Majority of them are in their early twenties. The monks were chanting while the 7 of us stood outside the pavillion. It was a night of gathering, all for a mourning cause. Familiar faces - Rong Chuan, Melvin, Wenlai, to name a few - which I can never expect to see all came together. We went into the pavillion, to the table. As I offered my joss sticks, I looked deep into his eyes in the frame. It stood majestically aloft a stack of red chairs covered with his black t-shirt and pants. There laid a pack of opened Marlboro menthol. A lit stick was burning amongst the joss sticks in the pot. I shifted my glance to the brown pine crate behind. "There you are, my friend. 好久不见."

It was packed inside the shelter. So the largest gang moved outside to stand with the breeze. Different versions words and rumours of the mishap floated around. My first impression was that the accident resulted from his speeding, like the 180km/h that he used to boast. Some said he rode without license, while some stated that he was riding his friend's bike. Some said he was claimed instantly when he was knocked down by the lorry when he was trying to pick up his bike after he skidded. It was later reported that he had skidded on the road, and before he could pick himself up, he was ran over by the lorry.

It was rumoured that he was the sole bread winner of the family of four. Serving as a lance-coporal at Civil Defence in the day, he played a debt collector's role in the night. The devils painted on him probably made his job easier. With his sudden absence, the pillar role can only be taken over by his younger brother.

14 July 2005. He has been on my mind for the past two days whilst in the office. Images of him from the past kept emerging. They appeared to be so near as if it was yesterday, yet so far away. I began to wonder what it would be like if it was to be my last day of my life. What would I do? Where would I be? Who would I be with? I was reminded of Professor Morrie. I would want to appreciate everything around me. I would want to be with friends and kins, spending quality time with them, albeit, a day's time seemed too stingy to satisfy the greed. At that very moment, all the problems, such as the unsettled bank loan and other fustrating money issues that has been troubling me everyday appeared not to be a problem anymore. All these are unimportant issues which no longer matters on my last day. But, it only lasted for an instant. I was being pulled back to the reality where all the fustrations exist and problems do matter and affect the quality of life. It feels like I am taking a gamble against the high odds that I shall perish the very next day, should I cease to appreciate and choose to tackle the problems.

He never had the time to consider.

It was 2pm. His wake ended at 10am, earlier in morning. It was time he set off unto 黄泉. I took a cigarette and headed not to the smoking area, but to the deserted canal behind the office building. I took sentimental puffs aloft the patch of green clearing, facing the milky water. I stopped at half the stick, knelt down to poke the remaining cigarette into the ground. 一人一半,感情不散.

Farewell Stephan.