I eagerly went for another driving lesson this morning. Lesson was supposed to start at 10am. Soon the plump Albert Yap arrived at the pick up point. I approached the car with another golden hair guy in red, smoking away. Instructor Albert Yap stared at us both, stunned. Apparently he had made a mistake and allocated 2 lessons on the same slot. In the end, he proposed to let the other guy take the lesson because his test date is near. I actually agreed and return back home. And the other student gave me cheeky smile as he says, "sorry~~". It could have been a sincere one, but I regard it as a mocking apology. Utterly pissed, I was swearing and cursing on the way back home.
This is a strong sign of my inability to express my anger when I have the right to do so. It is one important quality of a leader to be able to assert authority. I must admit I am a ultimate loser in this arena. It is even hard to recall the last time I actually fired up. It is always post-incident complaining without confrontation.
The last vivid incident that I recall was in JC2. I was truely disappointed to have heard a negative (I assumed it was negative) comment from my dream girl. After school I was on the basketball court playing soccer as ususal. I couldn't get over the comments, and as a result, I was grabbing every chance to play rough and ram the ball. One time the ball went out of the court, and rowed to the foot of a chubby cute angelic little primary school boy who happened to pass by. I named him "Xiao Pang". Xiao Pang carried on walking disregarding the ball. Out of my mind, I screamed at the top of my voice at him, howling for him to pick up the ball. I knew he was damn petrified, and I was about to walk towards him when the others grabbed on to me, trying to calm me down. Xiao Pang kept walking on in rapid steps, not daring to turn an inch of his head.
Well, this is one of the events that was registered in my "Things that I regret" list. To think that I actually vent my anger on such an innocent child. Such a disgrace. I despise myself for that. I would like to express my outmost sincere apology to Xiao Pang.
I am unable to unleash my anger at the right time at the right person. Hell do I need to go through some anger management course.
Given my rare outbreak of rage, I feel that I am apt to customer service line. I seemed to be trying to please everyone, so much so that I am like always giving welfare to the specialists and men under me back in camp. Claiming off days from me could never been so easy. They are more like friends than subordinates. I had agreed to help out a warrant to do his job even when I'm reluctant. My collegues were then saying that people are climbing on top of my head to poo on it, and I reckon this.
I awed at my friends who are able to stand on his ground so firm that he can even make himself sound correct even when he knows he's in the wrong. I applauded a friend who pee into a bottle of Chivas and toasted the other party, whom he don't like, with it.
The key is to exert an aura of confidence around yourself. It makes people wanna trust your words and ask for your opinion. In this harsh society of immense competition and trickery, when everything revolves around $$$, one has to manipulate, or be manipulated. Given my character, I would most likely be taken advantage of. No choice, but I guess I'll have learn to play punk.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Thirsty
Nothing beats relaxing at a cafe and having a quality conversation with a buddy. Two cups from the McCafe and a pack of Malboro. 2 empty chaps and an ashtray. Nice cool music lays everything else in place. Even the malay server, Wiwi, at the counter caught my attention. Lam and I decided for the chill out as we parted with Fanny after the movie "Love, So Divine".
A stick each sets in in a routine manner. I was on annual leave this very day. And it's always these days when I meet those "pig-dog" buddies that I found the nicotine level running in my blood rising. What had been so magical about this stick in the mouth then, which many insisted on puffing on despite the clear fact that it is detrimental to the body.
My first puff was about a year ago, whilst in the jungles of Temburong, when my detail were ultimately morale strickened as we were lost in the cold rain. On top of tiredness and hunger and insects, my buddy's map was missing, and we were ordered cease our navigation and backtrack to look for it . We sat down in a circle, despaired, a magical stick (initiated by Shiyi) started to go round the group. Some took a puff, some merely sniffed at it.
In my opinion, this senseless tobacco has a spiritual effect. I associate this with camaraderie. It creates and binds people of the same trade with a special rapport. They like to puff with company rather than alone. When puffing with companies, the members often recognises the group as a gang of the same kind. A form of socialising. The term "social smoking" probably derived from this aspect. Besides that, I heard that puffing in the cubicle is an enjoyment too, which I never tried before. Fortunately, in my case, it wasn't addictive at all, or yet. Thus I am able to just experience the joy of socialising, in exchange of a minute of lifespan per stick, once in a while.
I started this entry intending to write about the conversation with Lam. The cigarettes had, however, caused the sidetrack. Now, back to the topic. We talked about future plans, current situations, and recollecting cheesy incidents of the past. Amidst the conversation, I started pondering upon my behavior lately. I was very into pink colour when it wasn't in trend yet. I wore pink outdoors to receive stares which, at that time, I don't feel quite comfortable with. Then the long hair, followed by a rebond, and a dress sense which people branded as "gay". I came out with this conclusion that I am one attention seeker. I have been looking towards the direction of fame and fortune. I attribute this to the moulding effect of the contemporary trend in Singapore's hectic city lifestyle. I experience ecstasy when I am caught in limelight. It does not neccessarily refer to stardom (though it would not be bad), but it means attaining, in the respective field, a standard high enough to gain publicity. This would well satisfy the thirst for ecstasy as an attention seeker.
We touched on relationship issues concerning boy-girl, father-son, and brotherhood. I never have less to speak when it comes to this. Perhaps a chance to lament. But it always feel good to whine. I like talking about my problems. And perhaps another chance to seek attention? We carried on for an hour plus at the cafe. And by the time Lam need to catch a cab back to camp, there were 8 sticks in the ashtray...
A stick each sets in in a routine manner. I was on annual leave this very day. And it's always these days when I meet those "pig-dog" buddies that I found the nicotine level running in my blood rising. What had been so magical about this stick in the mouth then, which many insisted on puffing on despite the clear fact that it is detrimental to the body.
My first puff was about a year ago, whilst in the jungles of Temburong, when my detail were ultimately morale strickened as we were lost in the cold rain. On top of tiredness and hunger and insects, my buddy's map was missing, and we were ordered cease our navigation and backtrack to look for it . We sat down in a circle, despaired, a magical stick (initiated by Shiyi) started to go round the group. Some took a puff, some merely sniffed at it.
In my opinion, this senseless tobacco has a spiritual effect. I associate this with camaraderie. It creates and binds people of the same trade with a special rapport. They like to puff with company rather than alone. When puffing with companies, the members often recognises the group as a gang of the same kind. A form of socialising. The term "social smoking" probably derived from this aspect. Besides that, I heard that puffing in the cubicle is an enjoyment too, which I never tried before. Fortunately, in my case, it wasn't addictive at all, or yet. Thus I am able to just experience the joy of socialising, in exchange of a minute of lifespan per stick, once in a while.
I started this entry intending to write about the conversation with Lam. The cigarettes had, however, caused the sidetrack. Now, back to the topic. We talked about future plans, current situations, and recollecting cheesy incidents of the past. Amidst the conversation, I started pondering upon my behavior lately. I was very into pink colour when it wasn't in trend yet. I wore pink outdoors to receive stares which, at that time, I don't feel quite comfortable with. Then the long hair, followed by a rebond, and a dress sense which people branded as "gay". I came out with this conclusion that I am one attention seeker. I have been looking towards the direction of fame and fortune. I attribute this to the moulding effect of the contemporary trend in Singapore's hectic city lifestyle. I experience ecstasy when I am caught in limelight. It does not neccessarily refer to stardom (though it would not be bad), but it means attaining, in the respective field, a standard high enough to gain publicity. This would well satisfy the thirst for ecstasy as an attention seeker.
We touched on relationship issues concerning boy-girl, father-son, and brotherhood. I never have less to speak when it comes to this. Perhaps a chance to lament. But it always feel good to whine. I like talking about my problems. And perhaps another chance to seek attention? We carried on for an hour plus at the cafe. And by the time Lam need to catch a cab back to camp, there were 8 sticks in the ashtray...
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Geylang Lorong 13
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After attending Mr John Lim's memorial ceremony, the bunch of NYJC soccer cum noisy gang went to Geylang for the beef hor fun. Ah Pang simply obeys the auntie taking the orders:
"Want xiao long bao?"
"Give us 2 baskets of that."
"How about guo tie?"
"err.. ok lah. 2 lor."
"Carrot cakes?"
"anything lah. make it 2 also."
It's been a while since I saw this bunch. What Minglu said was rather true. "We had been trying to meet each other out for supper or a drink, but we never did. It's always in this kind of situation, a funeral or a wedding, when we catch up with each other." Here we are stepping into another era. Adulthood means getting invited to wedding dinners and paying respects at funeral wakes.
Guofeng and I had managed to pay a last respect to our well respected teacher in spite of all the getting lost and meeting late. We arrived at 9pm (it started 7:30pm) to hear the MC annouce the end of the ceremony, and see everyone leaving. Even though there was no bowing or joss sticks involved, I was glad that at least I was in time to step into the hall to pay him my respect, in my heart.
Thursday, December 16, 2004
It just disappears...
As usual, I ran to the newspaper stand and scrambled for the 80 cents. The train would be approaching in another minute. Fumbling with The Straits Times, I scanned the EZ-link, dashed for the closing doors, found a seat to perk myself up with a current affairs of a brand new day. It appears that I had reached the stage of life that every day seemed so defined. If I stick to the routine, I would doze off from the papers by the time I reach Chua Chu Kang. But on this particular Tuesday, I didn't.
14th DEC 2004. The headlines of the cover page read "Honeymooners die in NZ car crash". It showed a picture of a lady. I regard it as just another common piece of news, which I would read to kill the time during the train ride.
"A SINGAPOREAN couple on their honeymoon in New Zealand died on the spot when their rented car smashed head-on into an oncoming truck on a highway on Friday.... Mr Lim, 31, was a physical education teacher at Nanyang Junior College... (More on H1...) "
Craving a chance for denial, I took out the Home page, but only to see John Lim's photo.
I always had to dart from John Lim and his gang of PE teachers when I discretely enter the gate of the school at 10am, however, trying to look cool about it. Not that I'll be screwed for being late, but they will spot my natural brown hair easily, which leads to the issue of the intolerable length of the hair... After school dismissal, he would sometimes be around to spot for improper attire at the court. Despite all that, John Lim was the Mr Nice Guy.
Upon reaching camp that same Tuesday, I informed Eugene of the news. Having only spent his first three months at NYJC, he recalled, "he was the one who gave me a massage before the cross-country..."
I seldom interacted with John Lim. Nonetheless I was utterly disappointed and sorry that he is dead. It was rather unbelievable. I carried this mentality that another person whom I don't see or hear from would ever continue to live on elsewhere on this surface of Earth. But apparently this is not true.
Lately there was the wake. I did not felt much for the deceased, only concern for the related ones. That was probably because I had never met him in person.
When I visited mum last week, I was told of the condition of her sister. My memory of her strecthed back to the time when she used to call me every night just to ask me, "have you eaten your dinner?" She is almost insane now.
Grandpa came back to my house for a short stay. I didn't know when he came, when he left, how long he stayed, not even a glimpse of his features. I only hear his voices when I was awaken from the hangover from the Maju Dinner, Zouk, followed by a beach volleyball at Sentosa. I was a dead log when I was back home in the afternoon. He came into my room and talked to bro. Vividly, I heard him saying that the travelling was killing him. He began to talk to me, we had a really short conversation, which seemed like a dream to me even now. He asked me about my ORD. After waking up, he was not around anymore, and I had difficulty differentiating dream from reality. A sense of guilt striked me badly in the midst of the dizzy spell. I should have talked more to him, make more eye contact to him, for I contain the fear of not seeing him anymore. He barely come to my house anymore, sometimes once per half a year. I explain this situation with the aftermath of the family misfortune. Everyone grew so cold and isolated. Everyone either stay out late or lock himself up in the room. Grandpa came here only to rest on the sofa, waiting to listen to the news at 6pm and 10pm. Nothing much other than that. Not even interaction. He had complaint to others that his son doesn't care for him anymore. But, dad's problem already deal him a blow strong enough to almost cause him a suicide. What more could he have cared for? I chided myself for the lack of concern. I might not be able to show it anymore soon, however much I want to.
A couple of times when I look at my dad's backview as he washes the dishes at the sink, my thoughts often run wild. I thought, what could be the consequence if my dad is not around anymore?
The vulnerability of a man is often neglected. People simply assumes that life only ends when one grows old. However, the earth continues to spin without your presence. Every mother's son is a dispensable individual.
14th DEC 2004. The headlines of the cover page read "Honeymooners die in NZ car crash". It showed a picture of a lady. I regard it as just another common piece of news, which I would read to kill the time during the train ride.
"A SINGAPOREAN couple on their honeymoon in New Zealand died on the spot when their rented car smashed head-on into an oncoming truck on a highway on Friday.... Mr Lim, 31, was a physical education teacher at Nanyang Junior College... (More on H1...) "
Craving a chance for denial, I took out the Home page, but only to see John Lim's photo.
I always had to dart from John Lim and his gang of PE teachers when I discretely enter the gate of the school at 10am, however, trying to look cool about it. Not that I'll be screwed for being late, but they will spot my natural brown hair easily, which leads to the issue of the intolerable length of the hair... After school dismissal, he would sometimes be around to spot for improper attire at the court. Despite all that, John Lim was the Mr Nice Guy.
Upon reaching camp that same Tuesday, I informed Eugene of the news. Having only spent his first three months at NYJC, he recalled, "he was the one who gave me a massage before the cross-country..."
I seldom interacted with John Lim. Nonetheless I was utterly disappointed and sorry that he is dead. It was rather unbelievable. I carried this mentality that another person whom I don't see or hear from would ever continue to live on elsewhere on this surface of Earth. But apparently this is not true.
Lately there was the wake. I did not felt much for the deceased, only concern for the related ones. That was probably because I had never met him in person.
When I visited mum last week, I was told of the condition of her sister. My memory of her strecthed back to the time when she used to call me every night just to ask me, "have you eaten your dinner?" She is almost insane now.
Grandpa came back to my house for a short stay. I didn't know when he came, when he left, how long he stayed, not even a glimpse of his features. I only hear his voices when I was awaken from the hangover from the Maju Dinner, Zouk, followed by a beach volleyball at Sentosa. I was a dead log when I was back home in the afternoon. He came into my room and talked to bro. Vividly, I heard him saying that the travelling was killing him. He began to talk to me, we had a really short conversation, which seemed like a dream to me even now. He asked me about my ORD. After waking up, he was not around anymore, and I had difficulty differentiating dream from reality. A sense of guilt striked me badly in the midst of the dizzy spell. I should have talked more to him, make more eye contact to him, for I contain the fear of not seeing him anymore. He barely come to my house anymore, sometimes once per half a year. I explain this situation with the aftermath of the family misfortune. Everyone grew so cold and isolated. Everyone either stay out late or lock himself up in the room. Grandpa came here only to rest on the sofa, waiting to listen to the news at 6pm and 10pm. Nothing much other than that. Not even interaction. He had complaint to others that his son doesn't care for him anymore. But, dad's problem already deal him a blow strong enough to almost cause him a suicide. What more could he have cared for? I chided myself for the lack of concern. I might not be able to show it anymore soon, however much I want to.
A couple of times when I look at my dad's backview as he washes the dishes at the sink, my thoughts often run wild. I thought, what could be the consequence if my dad is not around anymore?
The vulnerability of a man is often neglected. People simply assumes that life only ends when one grows old. However, the earth continues to spin without your presence. Every mother's son is a dispensable individual.
Friday, December 10, 2004
Alamak
Eugene did an analysis on my situation today, again. This time it really got me thinking real deep. For that I missed to alight at the MRT station. I was thinking about the damned situation that I am going to face. I called the HDB 2 days ago, and enquired about the situation of our property. It was catastophic. Now that dad and bro were bringing no cash home, I know that it was up to me to shoulder all the shit. I ain't complaining, and I really need to plan and measure the risk ahead...
HDB debt is piling on every month. It's been around 6 months since the last payment. For that, we paid a "tribute" of 1.8k to HDB. (And the HDB guy I talked to happened to be named Chin...) This screwed up system had to be curbed immediately. If we sell it, I estimate a leftover of 20k.. With that, I wonder how much shelter a family of 3 can get. Moreover, if HDB debt exceeds a certain limit, our current shelter will taken away, and there might be a ban from getting another unit under HDB.
Though I dreaded for the day to come, but now that its nearing, I feel lost. Any other A-level graduate would persue the further education somewhere after ORD. I am undecided now. 2 years back, having fooled around and thus achieving a result that no local subsidised University would wana enrol me for its business degree. Private university is probably the only way out, but considering the course fees on top of the debts, I would be like paying for the rest of my life. This route does not seem attractive.
One rational path is to carry on working for SAF. Rational as it may be (in terms of financial), I would be giving up my desire for a job satisfaction. On the other hand, I would be staying in a regimental and inflexible working environment, where a simple game of soccer would require setting up of water points and tons of paperwork. I simply cannot stand it, not even for a short 3 year contract that can pay me 2k per month plus a huge lump sum, or even a subsidy for my further studies.
Start working with a 'A' Level education? Not a wise choice for I would not be employed in a reputable firm. I would then probably be competing in hunting for jobs with other 'O' and 'A' level students that just graduated. A DBS roadshow promoter? Or a server at Chinablack hoping to get transferred into the bar section? How about becoming Singapore Idol?
There's one other path that I'm considering to take instead. It involves a high level of risk, and also debt. If sucessful, however, it can clear up the debts in about 5 years time, and provide for the course fees for further studies. Being my own boss would definitely be a risky venture for a greenhorn like me. I might plan for a simple startup, which requires another steepy loan. Although I very much want to go into studies as early as possible, but it seems foolhardy and a wrong timing now. A failure would probably thrash my hopes for a further study in a near future...
3 months more to a another phase of life. This new phase would be the roughest ride I would face in the 20 years. Well, the storm was over and now it's up to me solely to rebuild what was dad, bro and me have lost. I gladly shoulder this wreckage (and perhaps prepare for a greater one).
HDB debt is piling on every month. It's been around 6 months since the last payment. For that, we paid a "tribute" of 1.8k to HDB. (And the HDB guy I talked to happened to be named Chin...) This screwed up system had to be curbed immediately. If we sell it, I estimate a leftover of 20k.. With that, I wonder how much shelter a family of 3 can get. Moreover, if HDB debt exceeds a certain limit, our current shelter will taken away, and there might be a ban from getting another unit under HDB.
Though I dreaded for the day to come, but now that its nearing, I feel lost. Any other A-level graduate would persue the further education somewhere after ORD. I am undecided now. 2 years back, having fooled around and thus achieving a result that no local subsidised University would wana enrol me for its business degree. Private university is probably the only way out, but considering the course fees on top of the debts, I would be like paying for the rest of my life. This route does not seem attractive.
One rational path is to carry on working for SAF. Rational as it may be (in terms of financial), I would be giving up my desire for a job satisfaction. On the other hand, I would be staying in a regimental and inflexible working environment, where a simple game of soccer would require setting up of water points and tons of paperwork. I simply cannot stand it, not even for a short 3 year contract that can pay me 2k per month plus a huge lump sum, or even a subsidy for my further studies.
Start working with a 'A' Level education? Not a wise choice for I would not be employed in a reputable firm. I would then probably be competing in hunting for jobs with other 'O' and 'A' level students that just graduated. A DBS roadshow promoter? Or a server at Chinablack hoping to get transferred into the bar section? How about becoming Singapore Idol?
There's one other path that I'm considering to take instead. It involves a high level of risk, and also debt. If sucessful, however, it can clear up the debts in about 5 years time, and provide for the course fees for further studies. Being my own boss would definitely be a risky venture for a greenhorn like me. I might plan for a simple startup, which requires another steepy loan. Although I very much want to go into studies as early as possible, but it seems foolhardy and a wrong timing now. A failure would probably thrash my hopes for a further study in a near future...
3 months more to a another phase of life. This new phase would be the roughest ride I would face in the 20 years. Well, the storm was over and now it's up to me solely to rebuild what was dad, bro and me have lost. I gladly shoulder this wreckage (and perhaps prepare for a greater one).
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
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