Thirsty

Nothing beats relaxing at a cafe and having a quality conversation with a buddy. Two cups from the McCafe and a pack of Malboro. 2 empty chaps and an ashtray. Nice cool music lays everything else in place. Even the malay server, Wiwi, at the counter caught my attention. Lam and I decided for the chill out as we parted with Fanny after the movie "Love, So Divine".

A stick each sets in in a routine manner. I was on annual leave this very day. And it's always these days when I meet those "pig-dog" buddies that I found the nicotine level running in my blood rising. What had been so magical about this stick in the mouth then, which many insisted on puffing on despite the clear fact that it is detrimental to the body.

My first puff was about a year ago, whilst in the jungles of Temburong, when my detail were ultimately morale strickened as we were lost in the cold rain. On top of tiredness and hunger and insects, my buddy's map was missing, and we were ordered cease our navigation and backtrack to look for it . We sat down in a circle, despaired, a magical stick (initiated by Shiyi) started to go round the group. Some took a puff, some merely sniffed at it.

In my opinion, this senseless tobacco has a spiritual effect. I associate this with camaraderie. It creates and binds people of the same trade with a special rapport. They like to puff with company rather than alone. When puffing with companies, the members often recognises the group as a gang of the same kind. A form of socialising. The term "social smoking" probably derived from this aspect. Besides that, I heard that puffing in the cubicle is an enjoyment too, which I never tried before. Fortunately, in my case, it wasn't addictive at all, or yet. Thus I am able to just experience the joy of socialising, in exchange of a minute of lifespan per stick, once in a while.

I started this entry intending to write about the conversation with Lam. The cigarettes had, however, caused the sidetrack. Now, back to the topic. We talked about future plans, current situations, and recollecting cheesy incidents of the past. Amidst the conversation, I started pondering upon my behavior lately. I was very into pink colour when it wasn't in trend yet. I wore pink outdoors to receive stares which, at that time, I don't feel quite comfortable with. Then the long hair, followed by a rebond, and a dress sense which people branded as "gay". I came out with this conclusion that I am one attention seeker. I have been looking towards the direction of fame and fortune. I attribute this to the moulding effect of the contemporary trend in Singapore's hectic city lifestyle. I experience ecstasy when I am caught in limelight. It does not neccessarily refer to stardom (though it would not be bad), but it means attaining, in the respective field, a standard high enough to gain publicity. This would well satisfy the thirst for ecstasy as an attention seeker.

We touched on relationship issues concerning boy-girl, father-son, and brotherhood. I never have less to speak when it comes to this. Perhaps a chance to lament. But it always feel good to whine. I like talking about my problems. And perhaps another chance to seek attention? We carried on for an hour plus at the cafe. And by the time Lam need to catch a cab back to camp, there were 8 sticks in the ashtray...