Ambivalence in a labyrinth

20. One quater of life has passed, if not more. Looking back, I asked myself, how has the 20 years been? If a rating is to be given, it would be 6 out of 10. Happy moments seem more; however a single despondency surpassed a million happy moments. Regrets saturated these 20 years. I recently read this from a magazine, "I live my life without regrets. Once I decide to do something, I dun turn back and put in my best to do it." I say it's pure bullshit. For umpteen times, I had wished time could turn back, so I that could reverse the situation. Though living with regrets is inevitable, what matters is the path ahead. The dreams ahead.

Dreams. I have a plan, an attainable plan. But it takes time and commitment. I told alot of people about this. I've got 3 kinds of responses. Tom says,'Good luck, pal'; Dick says,'it's a not easy and you need money. You better start it small'; Harry says,'I'm interested. When you are working on it, count me in.' From where I am, it's hard to find and bash a way through. But eventually, I envisage myself overlooking an empire. A man of great eminence..

Many years back, a friend inspired me with his ambitions. His analogy: being ruthless is the way to the top. One has to step on someone else, as they pile up to make stairway for you. And that's how things work. I agreed with him that time. But soon I witness him putting his words into action, victimising me at the same time. Soon I derived my own analogy: Ruthless is the way. But kinship and friendship comes above all. What had happened to my home had made me a self protective person. I vowed to make the people who brought the damage pay back double. Even if it's politically correct for him to do so, I'll make sure I make him AND his whole fucking family suffer the same thing. I had only less than 1$ in a day for 3 meals. In school, I ordered plain rice with cucumbers at 30cents for meals. At home, instant mee made most dinner. It had made me a vengeful person. It made money the most important factor in life. BUT that was a few years back...

Earlier this year, I met this lady who changed my perceptions in life. Forgive and forget. I actually found it stupid to keep thinking of getting back at the bastards. Perhaps I had something else to think of and to keep me happy, that it overwhelmed the twirling vengence in the mind. She's one individual so strong-willed in realising her dreams it awed me. Though the time was a short 4 months, she changed my attitude.
I was a outright slacker, putting in minimum effort in whatever I don't have interest in. I learnt social responsibility from her. I began to put in effort into stuffs even when it is sucky. It's all attributes to the mission to achieving my dreams, my terok command of english and the intellect to general knowlegde need to improve. For the first time in 20 years, I finished reading my very first novel, all credited to her. Since then, everything I do seems to be for a reason. Maybe I had never felt this much for anyone before, the infatuation was strong. However, it had to end. And to my astonishment, it was a great relief, as if the thorny vines had disentangled itself off the heart.

Laze has brought me to where I am standing now. No specific path ahead in the labyrinth. Ambivalence, unsure where to take off. But still I smile confidently amidst the misty paths. Cuz I'm gonna make evey second in life a moment worth living.