Siberia Saga: Living Masked

Another night over in Siberia.. I have developed a really bad habit. Despite the mosquitoes terrorising the bunk in hordes, the bed hogged onto me so dearly that even the ringing alarm went as if it was part of the morning -- chirping birds, trembling ceiling fans, soothing rays of the early sun, and my bunkmate in front of the TV. Such a lovely scene, a wonderful start to a new day... BUT wait (my heart pounded).. I peeped at the time.. 07:35am.

I rushed into the working attire and stumbled to the corridor. Everyone was getting ready to warm up. I made it down to the starting point, looking cool, trying to look like I didn't just woke up. Eyes wide opened, the creases on my arm hidden behind my back, I approached the conducting officer, "so..... how's everything, encik?" We exchanged glances, all in a split second. As his eyebrows met, I figured that he exposed my "effort to make my hair wet and neat from the 'just wake up hairstyle' "

Came the supervising officer. His turn to question me, " you are the safety officer? How's everything? Where's the water point? Comms set up? Safety rover? Medic?" The overly feigned composure probably uncovered the inner turmoil of not knowing a single shit of what is happening. I poped a smoke grenade. (Psssst...) "The water point is on its way. The rover are ready, marshallers deployed, comms settled." (Smoke-screen formed) I then pointed out the running route to him, which subjected me to a even greater deal of unsucessful attempt to enwrap my uncertainty. (The smoke was blown away... Exposed!!) He then told me off on the importance of my role..blah blah.

I've got 2 safety rovers, but none was equipped with ice and water. Both drivers had not drove the route before. No comms set. One medic for two rovers. Marshallers not issued with flag and vest. Medical Officer not around. Water point not even set up when the run flagged off. This was all that I had. Screwed up.

I sent one rover to get the ice; replaced with mobile phone as comms sets and jumped into the rover, avoiding anyone that could have questioned me regarding the flaws in my safety plans. Though full of flaws, I can assure that there was no way my plan could have compromised safety. As expected, the 11km run ended smoothly. I felt I did a good job in making everything look neat when everything is in a mess.

What I am trying to portray here is the ability to remain composed in times of screw ups. In fact, the more I had wanted to deliver a certain state of mind to people, the more I would appear to them on the contrary. My collegues always comment that I looked stressed up, when I actually intended a thoughtful mind. I tend to have this habit to consider what kind of 'self' I need to present in a particular situation, especially in front of subordinates and boss. However, I concede the fact that this is as good as putting on a pretence, a mask. I often spend time searching for my own true self. Or do I call that soul-searching?

I can't seemed to be what I wanted to be. It is always after an incident that I reprimand myself, "I should have acted this or that way." Once, when my group of officers walked past the RP, he pointed at Jerry, scowling, "eh! You! Put on your head dress! And you better stop talking on the phone! Go out then talk!" Jerry put on the beret, but carried on with his conversation as we walked out, disgusted. On the way back, I kept scolding myself for not confronting him for his insubordination. I should have contained his arrogance.

I've seen a lot of my friends who had displayed composure and decisiveness, and I really admire them for that. Someday, I will master living un-masked.